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Astrological Guide to Rugby

It is an established fact that the positions of the planets at one's birth control and guide one's destiny. The following will assist you, the rugger, in understanding and accepting your heaven-decreed personality and playing traits. Your game is in the stars!

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20): A disciplinarian, the typical Aries personality comes to the fore during practice, and when made a team captain he wears down all the forwards with continuous sprinting exercises. The player who constantly shouts "Make a target with your hands!" and "Keep your butt down low in the scrum!" is undoubtedly an Aries. Ruggers of other signs hope the Aries voice gives out but it never does. (And if it does he has a whistle to carry on.) Aries natives usually get their heads stamped on in rucks.

Taurus (Apr. 21 - May 20): The sign of the prop forward. Stubborn, bullish and forceful, the typical Taurean rugger would butt his way through a thick oaken door to get to a beer. People born under this sign usually smell like animals, challenging the ability of the second row to bind into the scrum without keeling over from the fumes. Taureans may be playing in other positions, but they belong in the front row. With rings in their noses. Os du Randt is a Taurus.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): The sign of the second row; two gallant players who must bind together to provide the awesome pushing power that is the engine room of the scrum. Gemini natives are ideal ruggers, and impress others with their manliness, Homeric size and all-around sociability in the after-match parties. Gemini is obviously the best zodiac sign for rugby just as second row is obviously the best position in rugby.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Cancer is the sign of the crab. Therefore, Cancerians should always bring talcum powder to matches to avoid crotch itch, otherwise their constant scratching makes them look just like chimpanzees. Cancers usually complain a lot and leave practice early, to the relief of others.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): Napoleon was a Leo, and those born under this sign think they have his military skills and charisma. They therefore become referees, coaches and blustering Old Boys. In reality, Leos won't play in a match because they are pettifogging little cowards who can't hack it. When referees, Leos insist on being addressed as "sir" and demand plaques, cups and other awards and presentations.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22): Virgo the Virgin; this is the sign of the prissy, goody two-shoes fussbag who objects to swearing, smoking and any lineout contact whatsoever. Needless to say, they couldn't tackle to save their lives. The Virgo rugger is therefore usually found playing back positions - usually fly-half or fullback. (But Virgo natives born under less than auspicious planetary positions often become hookers.) Natives of this sign iron creases in their shorts and wear hair gel during matches. Percy Montgomery is a Virgo.

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22): The sign of gender benders - that rugger in the women's XV who looks and acts suspiciously like a man is no doubt a Libra. And that effete guy in the men's club who spends a lot of time in the showers is probably a Libra, too. Do you tackle them or not? Do you want to get in a scrum with one, let alone hoist one by the shorts in a lineout? Ruggers born under this sign cause a lot of confusion in the game.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22): In many ways the worst of the lot. Scorpio natives are control fanatics and are usually found barking orders to other players all during the game, whether they are team captains or not. Persons under this sign are often found in the smoke-filled, dimly-lit headquarters of regional, national and international rugby football unions, raising club dues and issuing ultimatums about player certifications. The guy who introduced professionalization to the game of rugby was undoubtedly a Scorpio.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21): People born under this sign think themselves versatile but are really a pain. Sometimes they're flankers, sometimes centers. It goes without saying they do neither especially well. (The only thing keeping them from playing prop is fear and panic.) They feel no sense of club solidarity, either, and are often found at matches offering their dubious service as rugby whores. The Sagittarius rarely wears the same club jersey twice in a row, and must be able to memorize many sets of lineout codes.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): The sign of the goat, Capricorns are filthy and disgusting. The typical habitat of this type is the muddy patch invariably found in front of the goalposts, or in the very center of the pitch. During the after-match parties, the native of this sign can be found sitting by himself in a booth with spilled food strewn all around. Capricorns always have burrito stains on their jerseys. If you see a player walk over to the edge of the pitch during a lull in the game, belch, pass gas and hoik snot out of his nose while wives, sweethearts and children look on, you've found a Capricorn.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 19): The waterbearer; most Aquarians are utterly useless on the pitch and fit only to fetch the water during half-time. This is the sign of the career field officer. If you see a guy spending a lot of time fetching things like cones and line-making equipment but never ever playing in an actual match, chances are he's an Aquarius. The Aquarius native is also skilled at walking into the goal posts and stumbling into others during practice. These people are why liability insurance is so important in rugby.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20): Since this is the sign of the fish, Pisces natives always reek after matches. But due to a misplaced sense of rugged manliness - or the fact that they cannot convince women to marry them, let alone do their laundry - they refuse to properly wash their kits and therefore smell all the time. They usually insist on hanging around and talking extensively to any good-looking babes who have wandered by to watch the match, causing women to avoid games altogether. Nobody wants to be in a maul or a scrum with a Piscean.